40...where is thy sting?

Today is my 40th birthday. Guess what...it ROCKS!! I thought I'd hate turning 40, but I'm having an amazingly good day. What makes the difference? Good friends, good family, and learning to laugh.

I've gotten tons of well-wishes on Facebook, through emails, and text messages. I woke up to a bunch of chocolate chip cookies and two big ones made into a 40 for me. (With a note that it's perfectly acceptable to eat cookies for breakfast on a birthday.) I've gotten random presents (bunny ears, a Queers pin, a magazine for making crafts, and some always welcome cash!) beautiful and funny cards, and a bevy of eulogies.

Tonight friends who are in town will drop by for a cupcake. They get to vote on the eulogies I've received and the winner gets a prize. Then I'll collect them all into a zine and send them out for everyone to read.

I was so sure that 40 was going to suck. But it doesn't. I'm happier than I have been in a while; I know what direction my life is going in. I'm happy as myself.

It took me a few years to get here...but I'm more aware of who I am than I have ever been.

I like it.

Ballad of the Lonely Argonaut

So...I've decided to go for a doctorate degree.

First step, paperwork.
Second step, GRE.
Third step, interviews.

I'm on the paperwork part, hunting down who gets what. Then I've got to find my three references and go to a few meetings to get to know some people.

My GRE is scheduled for January 7th. I hope I only have to take it once. (Amazon is sending me a book that Dan recommended for me.)

Ok, I'll keep you all up dated. I guess if I know what's happening it's only fair to let you know.

All Hail Queen Schmooquan!!

Please welcome Queen Schmooquan!!

This is the kitty I got from the Humane Society. She is a little kitty with big eyes and big paws.

Her name at the Humane Society was Dione but I changed it to Queen Schmooquan--or Schmoo--for short. (I got the name from one of Goat Girl's other pseudonyms. I love her song "What do you think of me?" and I was singing it as I drove around town that day. Then I thought that Queen Schmooquan would make a great name for a cat.)

Anyway, this is the first pet that's all mine. I've never had my own pet before! I grew up with tons of family pets, but she is my first own kitty!! This morning I realized just how much I love this new kitty. And guess what...I think she loves me too!

The Grave by Susan Enan

All of your work won’t fit in the earth
When you’re lying underground in the grave
Whatever a man in your balance can
There’s nothing you can buy in the grave

In the next age no stock exchange
Is gonna pass on the money we made
No lottery wins, political spins,
When were lying underground in the grave

New surgery defies gravity
But it all falls away in the grave
And who’s gonna care what color you wear
There’s no fashion show in the grave

So swallow it down
No easy way round
Just a hill for the thrills that we crave
But no medicine to stop kingdom come
It’s your time get in line for the grave

And we’ll all be the same
And we’ll go as we came
Side by side as we lie in the grave
We’ll all be the same
We’ll go as we came
Side by side as we lie in the grave.

In The Throes of Giving Up

Want to break free but don’t remember how—can’t remember the steps. Gave everything away last time and have no energy left to pour into a new friendship.

So tired. Don’t think anyone understands. SO tired.

Sitting here crying out for someone to talk with…but there isn’t anyone. Nobody strong enough I suppose. There are a few I could call on, but none really willing to listen. None willing to really listen…they all looked like strong enough hands in the beginning. Suppose I could find a professional to listen. But then what? What about the next time? Eighty bucks a shot for a listening ear? Isn’t that what we make friends for in the first place?

Can’t make new friends. Too tired. So many years of making new friends and so many years of watching them slowly walk away. Not their faults…life moves on for them. So jealous of that. Their lives move on.

So tired. I’m just so tired.

My New Hollywood Crush

This is Misha Collins. He plays Castiel on "Supernatural." He is my new Hollywood crush. I don't have a "real life" crush.

The blue shirt picture is Misha, and then the other one is him in character as Castiel.

I think I'm in love with Castiel because I like damaged guys. Why not, monkey likes monkey company. But I do have to say: mmmmm.

The White Trash Period of My Life

Many people have phobias. I have many phobias. One of them is bugs. I HATE bugs. Ladybugs are okay. And an ant...but not ants. Not a madhouse of ants moving to a new place. Blech.

So, I was getting bitten by something as I was sleeping. Lots of itchy, red bites. Ever since I was a little kid whenever I got bit by something the bites end up as huge red welts. Anyway, I was going crazy. Literally.

One night I felt something crawling. I grabbed a sandwich bag and captured the culprit. I looked at him and then I looked him up on line. He looked like an honest to goodness bedbug. I was so GROSSED OUT! While I was online I ordered a kit that kills bedbugs and prevents them from returning. Then I slept on the couch.

The next day I got rid of my bed. I put it out to the trash. (I had another bed already, luckily because I was too poor to buy a new bed.) I bought some bug killer and sprayed EVERYTHING. Then I washed every bit of bedding, even stuff that was up in my closet. I bug sprayed the floor, the walls, and my chair. Anything fabric either got washed or sprayed.

I slept with my window closed so nothing could come in (and by the way, it was hella hot!) and I've rearranged my room so that my bed isn't even in the same place it was to begin with.

A few phone calls to Mom to help me calm down. A few worries that the remaining bites were psychosomatic because I'm a pro at stressing and I do that kind of stuff to myself. I had to stay home one day because my brain wouldn't let go of the itch or the fear.

The bedbug killer kit arrived and I went at it again. Spraying, washing, cleaning. Fearing.

Last night, there were no new bites on me. I think it's over.

All because of ONE bug.